The asymmetry of give and take

Boaz Keysar

The Great Recession has led many of my executive coaching clients to reduce 401(k) contributions, celebrations, work hours (through furloughs), and cut other employee perqs. These leaders often explain the reductions as prudent adjustments to avoid layoffs. Employees, unfortunately, are likely to react by becoming less trusting and cooperative with their employers, as this new research illustrates.

Although people reciprocate kindnesses proportionately, slings and arrows prompt bullets and grenades.

By Laura Putre

“Even something that is not so strong as a vindictive action—something simply perceived as a negative act,” [Professor Boaz] Keysar says, “escalates quickly.”

The researchers paired up participants for several games of give and take. In one a designated leader decided how much of $100 to give to a partner. In another, leaders decided how much of $100 to take from their partners. … Subjects in the study also consistently reacted better to receiving something than to having it taken from them, even when the gift left them with less money, say $30 instead of $50.

Leaders, however, thought they were being fair … “They did not anticipate,” Keysar says, “that the other person was going to perceive them as doing something negative.” What’s more, he discovered that as the game wore on, each successive round saw partners grabbing more and more as they alternated the taking role. Perceiving the takers as selfish, the participants became less generous.

How to avoid the retribution? This paper doesn’t say. Other research suggests laying out the facts for employees and letting them design the adjustments. People are much more supportive of changes they have helped create.




Popularity: 1% [?]

Carl Rogers Emphasizes Relationship

I watched the famous “Gloria” films this weekend, more properly known as Three Approaches to Psychotherapy. Gloria, the patient, generously agreed to have filmed sessions with each of the three great psychotherapists of the 1960s: Carl Rogers, Fritz Perls, and Albert Ellis. It must have been quite a day for her!



Carl Rogers actively worked to wrest control of counseling from the medical monopoly established by Freud and Jung, opening the work to Read the rest of this entry »

Popularity: 5% [?]

The Conversation Contract™

Here is a complete toolkit for implementing one of my most powerful and versatile techniques, The Conversation Contract™. Leading psychologist Thomas Harris, author of the bestselling I’m OK–You’re OK, developed the basic process to help people conduct the most important and stressful conversations in their lives. I have refined it over the past fifteen years in my work with sales people, managers, government officials, and CEOs to its present form. You can use it for better meetings, telephone calls, and family interactions.

Start with this video and reinforce your skills with the Read the rest of this entry »

Popularity: 7% [?]

Conversations that Make a Difference

Here are my basic instructions for conducting a difficult, stressful, or frightening conversation in a way that will create new possibilities for relationship and action.

  1. Get yourself centered.
  2. Help the other person feel safe. “We’re friends and colleagues now and we’ll still be friends and colleagues after this conversation.” Easy on the relationship, rigorous on the topic.
  3. Establish the level of trust: sincerity and competence. “I know that you can see when a project is suffering from scope creep and that you will let me know about it.”
  4. Explicitly agree on the shared Read the rest of this entry »

Popularity: 8% [?]

What is an Organization?

Robert Kegan

An organization is a community of discourse.

Leadership is about influencing the nature of the discourse.

Robert Kegan
Harvard University

Popularity: 2% [?]






Tony Mayo, Top Executive Coach, is located in Reston, Virginia 20190